Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Missing Our Dear Angel and So Many Kind People


The past few days have been a blur. Our hearts are broken, and I feel like I am suffocating at times. There is nothing so horrible like the death of a child. We have purchased several books on how to go on living after losing a child. They have helped somewhat, in that we feel like there are others out there who are like us - hurting beyond belief. We will be meeting with a grief counselor of the Compassionate Friends group this week.

In our society, if your husband dies, you are a widow; if your wife dies, you are a widower; if your parents die when you are young, you are an orphan. But what is the term for parents whose child dies? It is an abomination of nature, thus there is no word.

John, Trevor and I console each other, talk much about Brianna and look at the many photos of her we put together on two large memory boards at the funeral. I've been lighting a scented candle near her photo every night and last night I felt her arms wrapped around me and heard her whisper, "The candle smells nice, mom. I love you." The hurt is too hard to bear. She is loved so very much.

Brianna, our angel, has touched the lives of many people. She would smile at that thought. A wonderful friend made a gorgeous crown for Brianna to wear, as she goes into her next life. It says, "Brianna, Our Angel." She gave me one as a remembrance. (I will take a picture and post it next time.) Brianna is also wearing one of two matching bracelets given to us from a dear friend. I wear the other. I also surrounded her with the things she loved, a Sharpie for drawing, a scroll with loving words from family and friends, her Hello Kitty nodder, green Extra gum, her Tazo Passion tea, a heart-shaped pillow given to her by grammy, photos of her with her family and other items. She is wearing the dress and sparkly shawl she wore to my cousin's wedding last June in Tahoe. One year and life has changed so dramatically.

We will scatter Brianna's ashes over the ocean in Southern California. We will include flower petals too. Brianna loved going to the beach with her friends. It was that image that helped her many times while she was naucous and uncomfortable in the hospital. She found the ocean calming. Her family will be surrounding her with love.

So many kind people have helped us along our journey, and even more have come forward to help now. Some dear friends who are artists have put out a call to other artists and friends to contribute to an art auction in Brianna's honor. It is called, "Angels for Brianna." All items are angels and the artists who are contributing are beautiful people and very talented. Colleen Moody, Sylvia Anderson and Kitty Forseth are coordinating this effort on our behalf. Brianna would love this, because she started a collection of angels before entering the hospital.

Angels for Brianna will take place in the next few weeks. I've listed the blogs where you can find information and the exact start date. There are many other people who are participating and have listed the auction on their website or blog. Thank you friends for having such big hearts and reaching out to us. Please visit Syliva's blog (http://sylviaanderson.blogspot.com/), Colleen's (http://www.colleenmoody.blogspot.com/), and Kitty's (http://kittysglitter.blogspot.com/) for more information.

It is getting harder and harder for me to write here. I sob uncontrollably. I will continue though, because I know Brianna would encourage me to. John, Trevor and I are hurting so much, but your thoughtfulness, caring, patience and kind words help ease a little of our sorrow. We thank you for that.

21 comments:

Kitty Forseth said...

Huggggssssssssssssss to you my dear friend.....

Nothing we can do will make the pain go away. But at least we can honor Brianna.. her inner and outer beauty.. her love of art and her incredibly bright and sparkly spirit.

You are so loved!!

xoxo Kitty

Sam I Am said...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{iva, trevor and john}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

CraBBy GaBBy said...

May angels surround and comfort you and your precious family. You are constantly in my thought and prayers. You strength and courge amzaze me. thank you, with much comfort, peace, love, apprection..thank you
Heidi

jojo said...

To my dear sweet Iva!!! I am crying with you my friend....love you ...jo :(

Chelise said...

Iva,

We have not met, but I am a part of your local and larger creative community.

Thank you so much for your overwhelming bravery in sharing this blog and journey with the world.

Words can not express the depth of my sorrow over your loss. Brianna's spirit shone throughout this blog, and through your words and devotion to your wonderful daughter. Please accept my heartfelt and profound condolences. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

xo - Chelise Stroud Hery

http://Chelise.Typepad.com

Lorraine said...

I will keep praying for you all....

Kingfisher Farm said...

Iva, you are right, there is no word to describe your loss and the life that lies ahead. And no words can comfort you......how I wish they could!
Kitty is so right, we can honor Brianna, her spirit! Much love, Pam

Sylvia Anderson said...

Iva~ I write this with tears in my eyes....I am so, so very sorry. I wish I could take the pain away. Big hugs to you and your family....you are in my thoughts and prayers every day.
Sylvia

dede warren said...

I don't know how I stumbled onto your blog this morning, but I just finished reading it from the beginning.

I can't imagine your unbearable loss, and I have no words to convey the pain I feel for you, John and Trevor. Know you are not alone. I am sure your beautiful daughter is with you all. Her radiance shines through your words as you shared her journey here. I pray peace and comfort are yours.

CCs Whimsies said...

There are so many of us hurting and holding you all up right now. I just sent my own little best friend to keep her some company along with my dad. Love you Iva!

Vickie said...

I wish I could hug you enen though I don't know you. I cry when I read your posts because life is so unfair at times. I'm glad to see you've posted though. What a lovely way you honored your angel!

The Polka Dot Pixie said...

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Dixie Redmond said...

I am and will still be praying, Iva.

Dixie

Chris Joyce Family said...

Iva,
I have followed your daughter's story and wept and hurt for you. I have never lost a child but I lost my husband at a young age from cancer and now my son-in-law, who is 31, is fighting cancer and is in serious condition in the hospital. We also have a blog and it helps a little bit to share what you are feeling daily. Our blog is www.http://prayforchris.blogspot.com
I am so sorry you are hurting. Just know you are not alone. Many many people are hurting with you. I am praying for you Your daughter is beautiful. Hugs, Tammie

Chris Joyce Family said...

Iva,
I have followed your daughter's story and wept and hurt for you. I have never lost a child but I lost my husband at a young age from cancer and now my son-in-law, who is 31, is fighting cancer and is in serious condition in the hospital. We also have a blog and it helps a little bit to share what you are feeling daily. Our blog is www.http://prayforchris.blogspot.com
I am so sorry you are hurting. Just know you are not alone. Many many people are hurting with you. Your daughter is beautiful. Hugs, Tammie

Rolling River Prims said...

sweet Iva,
Please know I have been continually praying for you and your family during these difficult days. There is no understanding this - there is only making it through another day and leaning on our Lord for a comfort and peace beyond measure.
I'm so sorry for your family and for having to say goodbye (for now) to your very special angel.

Your family is continually in my thoughts and prayers -
with love,
Cookie

Candy Duell said...

Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. We have never met, but my heart is breaking for your loss.

Candy

eb said...

I grieve with you -

and yet

I am thankful to have been a part -

however small

of this

with you

xox - eb.

Lori said...

Iva and family, I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers...I cannot imagine having to cope with a loss such as this...I am honored to be participating in this auction being held in the memory of your sweet and beautiful daughter....

kelly rae said...

the story of your daughter, your bravery, her bravery, has me still with awe. i am so sorry for your loss. no words will do...

arleen said...

i learned of your daughter through steph stargell on a group we are in together. i cannot express in words my sadness over your loss. my daughter died before her birth at her due date 3 years ago, but to know and love your child for 17 years, my heart just breaks for you. i will keep you and your family in my prayers.

hugs,
Arleen Oliver