Missing Our Dear Angel and So Many Kind People

The past few days have been a blur. Our hearts are broken, and I feel like I am suffocating at times. There is nothing so horrible like the death of a child. We have purchased several books on how to go on living after losing a child. They have helped somewhat, in that we feel like there are others out there who are like us - hurting beyond belief. We will be meeting with a grief counselor of the Compassionate Friends group this week.

In our society, if your husband dies, you are a widow; if your wife dies, you are a widower; if your parents die when you are young, you are an orphan. But what is the term for parents whose child dies? It is an abomination of nature, thus there is no word.

John, Trevor and I console each other, talk much about Brianna and look at the many photos of her we put together on two large memory boards at the funeral. I've been lighting a scented candle near her photo every night and last night I felt her arms wrapped around me and heard her whisper, "The candle smells nice, mom. I love you." The hurt is too hard to bear. She is loved so very much.

Brianna, our angel, has touched the lives of many people. She would smile at that thought. A wonderful friend made a gorgeous crown for Brianna to wear, as she goes into her next life. It says, "Brianna, Our Angel." She gave me one as a remembrance. (I will take a picture and post it next time.) Brianna is also wearing one of two matching bracelets given to us from a dear friend. I wear the other. I also surrounded her with the things she loved, a Sharpie for drawing, a scroll with loving words from family and friends, her Hello Kitty nodder, green Extra gum, her Tazo Passion tea, a heart-shaped pillow given to her by grammy, photos of her with her family and other items. She is wearing the dress and sparkly shawl she wore to my cousin's wedding last June in Tahoe. One year and life has changed so dramatically.

We will scatter Brianna's ashes over the ocean in Southern California. We will include flower petals too. Brianna loved going to the beach with her friends. It was that image that helped her many times while she was naucous and uncomfortable in the hospital. She found the ocean calming. Her family will be surrounding her with love.

So many kind people have helped us along our journey, and even more have come forward to help now. Some dear friends who are artists have put out a call to other artists and friends to contribute to an art auction in Brianna's honor. It is called, "Angels for Brianna." All items are angels and the artists who are contributing are beautiful people and very talented. Colleen Moody, Sylvia Anderson and Kitty Forseth are coordinating this effort on our behalf. Brianna would love this, because she started a collection of angels before entering the hospital.

Angels for Brianna will take place in the next few weeks. I've listed the blogs where you can find information and the exact start date. There are many other people who are participating and have listed the auction on their website or blog. Thank you friends for having such big hearts and reaching out to us. Please visit Syliva's blog (http://sylviaanderson.blogspot.com/), Colleen's (http://www.colleenmoody.blogspot.com/), and Kitty's (http://kittysglitter.blogspot.com/) for more information.

It is getting harder and harder for me to write here. I sob uncontrollably. I will continue though, because I know Brianna would encourage me to. John, Trevor and I are hurting so much, but your thoughtfulness, caring, patience and kind words help ease a little of our sorrow. We thank you for that.